Is Mike Hunt in the parking lot? Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?

An ode to Porky's.

Aye Fuck

Aye. What else do I need to say. Aye as in fuck. Aye as in I.

I'll start with I Aye.

I haven't had a cigarette in 47 hours. I know, I know. I'm the shit. Or at least a piece of it. On occasion, I feel like a piece floating in a big ass bowl that wants nothing more than another crappy tasting, overpriced, tar tipped smoke. Other times, I can't stand to look at someone - anyone- while they're smoking.

I gave them up because I wanted it, it was time and they began tasting like shit months ago. No, it wasn't medical (or anything close); I just decided I was done, and like that, I am. I don't consider myself a quitter, but a non-smoker; reason being, because I no longer want or crave them in my life, and just the thought of lighting up makes me want to gag. (no, not preggers).

Simply... done.

And with that done is another I must mention. The Aye Fuck.

Not a pleasant - or literal - aye fuck.

Rescue Me. For fuck's sake, what a goddam train wreck this past season was. But the finale -
I'd like to know who actually wrote that shit so I could seriously consider putting a hit out for the numb shit. The slapstick humor for the show has always been low-brow and hilarious (that had to be Leary), but whoever came up with the series finale should swim with sharks.

What a disappointed, from the previews (lying ass bastards, I hate when they fuck with you, showing you shit that's really a dream sequence used as a tease - I'm a writer, fuckers, and that's the worse tease on the block. cheap whoring, for damn sure), but then to do what they did with my favorite character, no tears, no real sorrow beyond a couple looks, and then right back to the cheap jokes.

Get the fuck out. Bullshit. As much bullshit as pushing out a baby in two minutes time (no one bothers to call an ambulance, after all, it's so realistic!), fight over baby names after a miraculously short (not to mention insanely cliche) birth, and then go right back to discussing pizza toppings as if nothing at all transpired. Janet never gave birth in her bed, sans real medical attention (god help her if she lost too much blood!) or Tommy yet again falling and hitting his head pretty good (real comical...for spongebob).

THEN...THEN... the creme de la creme -

after numerous seasons of fighting, separating, near divorcing and fucking everyone else in new york, playing swap the brothers in bed, threatening untold times that if tommy didn't quit his dangerous work she'd take his kids and flee far away, Janet, lo and behold, tells a dickless and presumably balless Tommy that if he didn't go back to being a fireman, she'd kill him for being under foot.

That right there, gave me a massive migraine and almost caused me to break my own tv.

For years they fought about him giving that part of his life up, and he does. She says, nah, go back, and he meekly says, "OK."

GTF out yet again. Sorry, folks, I'd have killed that bitch right there and then. Talk about contemporary men being little more than eunichs.

Proof and point. Women treat men like shit, because they know, deep down, if the men love them, they'll take it. They'll take anything thrown at them, and this past season proves it. I don't know any real men than would willingly allow themselves to be treated so poorly by their wives or kids; but, they're real men, that act like men, think like men, and command like them.

Women, deep down, like that. Fuck no, we don't tell anyone. That's a secret. But if we're with a man -a real goddam man - then WE'RE the ones that turn to putty, fetching slippers and playing maid service. Take charge men (not cavemen) are sexy. Women that have husbands that behave like lapdogs are not -I repeat- are not respected.

Aye swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

Good times.

What can I say after so much nothing? My tolerance is low, my pool is high.

Ah. To be high. Lovely, lovely high.

So I pussed out, and didn't heat my pool this winter. I don't know anyone that does, even those who wipe their asses with twenties. Quite frankly, it just doesn't seem smart; unless the pool's enclosed (which I've considered). It would be very easy to take a nice dip in a warm pool while the weather isn't in agreement. Warm pool, cold air makes for one fuck of a pneumonia recipe if I ever heard one.

To wit, it was recently emptied and is presently filling. I can hear it fill from where I sit.

Sounds like someone pissing in the pool from the ledge.

More importantly, when the hell did life get so boring that replenishing the cement pond in my back yard became the high point of my spring? - Sorry. For what feels like spring here.-

Further, and yet way more important, why the hell am I whining about stupid shit when Japan as a whole is completely, irrevocably stick-your-head-between-your-knees-and-kiss-your-ass-goodbye fucked?

Kinda makes me wonder just where my humanity went. Maybe Wall Street bargained it off with a few gazillion derivatives for a month's long prescription of Viagra. Maybe it blew over the rainbow with Dorothy and her gnarly looking mongrel. Who's to say?

Personally, I think I'd be more concerned about the fiasco over that-a-way if we Americans weren't so entirely fucked over this-a-way in a-different way. Fucked is well... fucked. Separate ways, still a climax.

Ah. As life would have it, Japan is thoroughly screwed, America is basically in the shit house, and American Idol is still on the air.

Good times.

Me, in Love

No bullshit. No facade. No exaggerations.

I'm completely in love. My birthday was fine. The long weekend in Cali was fine. The date I had this past weekend was more than fine. I finally went to see what I've wanted to see for over a month - Inception - and fell madly in love.

Rarely does a movie come along that earns that affection, but it's 100% true; I love that fucking film.

Maybe it had to do with the shitty movie, The Expendables, I watched just before Inception that made me fall so hard. And I won't sugar coat shit for anyone's benefit, the Expendables sucked an old man's crusty, saggy balls. Not even worthy of a decent bashing, by myself of anyone else. Let's just say it's a dismal failure and leave it at that.

Back to the love.

Sure, it isn't perfect, but it's damn close; close as a movie can get, especially one that has so many threads and subplots. Leo's superb, better with every movie. Gordon-Levitt makes me want to buy a tiny purse and cart him around in it. Cinematography is beautiful. Action? Better than Stallone so much as wished he could create. From start to finish, it had me. I didn't want it to end, didn't want to leave; caught up in one of those endings that, once you watch it, you're compelled to immediately watch it all over again.

Jacob's Ladder-esque, but on a much larger scale.

So many details, so much to keep track of; so many twists, turns. With luck, I'll get a personal copy of it sometime today, and I'm giddy, without appetite, and smoking too many cigarettes.

I love good, unique creations. I love art. And Inception is both, a masterpiece.

Critic's Corner

Because I'm a head of useless fucking information, and I decidedly spend my spare time unwisely, here's the low-down.

The Hangover - if you have the least bit of a sense of humor, don't miss it. I saw it at the drive-in last summer and just rewatched it on HBO. It certainly has its moments, and Bradley Cooper. Need I say more?

A Perfect Getaway - Decent, good actors, good story, total cheat in act III. Worthy of a watch, but expect to swear at the TV at one point.

Brothers - Jake Gyllenhall, Tobey Maguire make the movie. Some hard parts to watch, especially since my little bro is over there in shit at the moment, but decent.

Planet 51 - didn't sustain my kids' attention, and that's not a good sign. I thought it was ok, but if Meet The Robinsons was on the tube at the same time, I'd switch channels.

Couples Retreat - maybe it's because Ralphie 'you'll shoot your eye out!' directed it, or because the cast was great, but i thoroughly enjoyed the flick.

Taken - pretty good, ass-kicking entertainment; made me positive i missed my real calling in this life. Sensitive subject matter, the whole sex trade business flying around beneath the radar just reaffirms what most people with half a fucking brain already know; if it's a booming underground business, and only 1% of the population on the frigging planet have the cash and security to do such shit, then ...? seriously, that's too simple of a fucking mathematical equation to overlook.

But, on another note, my niece paid me a major compliment the other day. When I made a comment that I wasn;t a big or important person in the world, this 10 yr old kid looked me in the face and said, "Yes you are. You're a protector."

Hard to imagine, hard as hell to admit, but it took a kid to show me something about myself that I never really saw before. Sure, I knew I protect these kids around me, a soft spot I've always carted around with me, but god, what a promotion. Fighter. Writer. Protector.

That's me. And I'm goddamn proud of it.